A level results were released on Friday.

And looking at everyone's faces,

I feel kind of melancholic.

I was supposed to be collecting my results on that day,

be it good or bad,

I was supposed to.

Watching everyone I know getting their results back,

and planning their next step.

I keep thinking, if I did better during 2009 promos,

I would be there too.

If I has listened to my heart and chose the correct subject combination right from the very beginning,

would I be up there too?

Then on my way home,

Jiahui's face popped up in my head.

Poor Jiahui.

All she ever worked for was that A level cert,

yet she left before she could even get to reap the fruits of her labour.

Make me wonder where is the fairness in things?

I'm feeling the stress now.

I watch people I know,

going up to shake Ms Lai's hand.

And envy bubbles up in me,

I want to be in that position too.

I vowed to myself back in 2009 that no matter what I do,

I will get up there

and I will prove everyone who has ever looked down on me wrong.

Yet sneaking thoughts of doubt enter my thoughts at night,

how sure am I that I will make it at the end of the day?

Promos mean nothing, and its not as if I got spectacular results for promos.

And there's shooting.

Being tossed around like a ball is no joke,

I swear.

And I get so frustrated when I don't perform up to expectations.

What ever the hell happened to my one year foundation?

I felt happy yesterday over that one tiny accomplishment.

Yet when I got home and reflected,

what am I so happy about?

It's just one mock comp.

And for goodness sake that score I got was pathetic,

nothing worth being happy about.

I may be able to beat her this time,

but can I beat her the second round?

I do think I'm really greedy at times.

I want the best of both worlds.

yet I clearly know that having one would mean having to give up the other.

I thought I could be mature enough,

but apparently my pride overpowers my rationality.

I need someone to slap me awake.

To force me to see the futility of what I am doing.

Perhaps only then will I be able to wake up.